To Jolt Now Is To Die A Pleasant Death

I have stopped counting the days,

Talks of a husband underwent a resurgence

A teeny tiny vascillation 

So minuscule it’s almost not there 

But it feels nice I suppose as some sort of

Background noise 

Jolt out of a state into another

Out of stagnation into fire

Droplets of blood, charcoal dark

And coagulated 

A cleansing — purifying thing 

There was no pain 

But it was heavy I think, like 

Lead 

I couldn’t move my arms. 

Jolt out of the jolting into a calm 

Good friends and laughs 

I had stopped counting the days, I really did

It was the distraction I wished for from the start 

Only it wasn’t a distraction it was a pacification

The kind I needed not knowing how to desire it — whatever 

I thank my Lord for the jolts

Like slaps of alertness 

Consciousness

He hasn’t returned yet but he will

They’re fighting, I should be with them 

They smiled at me and tightened their fists,

So lovingly told me to be patient,

I will meet with you soon

My heart is waving at this universe that is revolving on an end

A halt fastened with that pixie dust we secretly want to believe actually exists

It does in that sense I suppose, 

It smiles as it eases to its finish

Please come back to me — but I must learn,

I must learn to be patient and to remember my brothers and sisters 

I must jolt that jolt and rest there for a while 

And rest there


https://dailypost.wordpress.com/2017/04/17/jolt/

Expecting An Awareness

Sometimes, and quite hilariously so, situations tend to go completely as planned, or as preemptively assumed, and that sequence of events fills a man with a fallacious confidence that it’ll happen again. That it’s always going to keep happening. 

For the past few weeks I have been awaiting a big thing, some crucial event in my life. I was waiting to get engaged. Now, blatantly stating that may read a little awkwardly, perhaps viewed as a little shackling or as a result of some closed brainwashing and it is most probably comprehended really quite erroneously. Much, if not all, of my current surrounding environment has completely transformed from what it used to be — and in that is a comfort for whom I had always desired to be. It is what I knew I wanted to be girded by without actually being aware that it was what I wanted to be girded by. This should make sense — especially because it is fact that other “emerging situations” in our lives follow similar patterns.

The place of our origin usually constitutes our natural behavior, our comfort in behavior so to speak. Multiple studies on monozygotic twins having been raised in separated environments have all found some form of conclusive evidence that ossifies the paramountcy of ‘nature.’ And it really is a no brainer. It makes sense that an Armenian raised in the Ukraine would carry some lingering longing for Armenia and its culture. It makes sense that a Japanese raised in Britian would find a certain preference for the Japanese cuisine — it is certainly believable that an American living in Cambodia finds more comfort shopping in American stores. It makes sense because it is a part of who they are, only it may not be a portion of the personality that has bubbled to the surface as prominently as the rest of their current environment enforced, but it is there nonetheless, and sometimes, it is the most comfortable layer that continues to travel with the person as they carry on unaware. Unaware of its influence and of its truth. Unaware that their blood is more than just a bunch of cells that complete a job, they’re a culture that carries history too, they carry traditions and old crappy habits and stupid idioms that only another carrier of the blood understands. I realize how this is starting to sound idealistically patriotic, almost like all the political divides of countries disconnecting people was the correct thing to do because humans innately desire in group favoritism– that isn’t what I mean to advocate and I do not exactly consider a divide in humanity a plausible existing phenomenon, I only want to point out that I was unaware of the impact of a culture of origin until I moved out of my tiny little western compound. 

To me, arranged marriages and familial acquaintances are pretty, and I’m removing all severe exceptions from these scenarios because there is a crap case in every ’emerging situation’ in every dogmatic home. To me, faith and religion and gender segregation is essential, and as a promulgated system it is perfect. These phrases were always inside of me sitting collecting dust, shrouded by the environment I was in — and that wasn’t necessarily a negative thing, in fact I think it helped me assert and direct my confidence towards the culture of my comfort, I almost had this sense of choice about how I was to continue with this life. Sure, I’ve had my adolescent fable phase that assumed a wisdom it didn’t have, but all teenagers think they’re invincible. 

Whatever I’m getting sidetracked. 

For the past few weeks I have been expecting whatever it was that I have been expecting and I haven’t received it. I have two options as of now, but before I parse them I must outline a premise. 

Should my expectation of the occurrence or lack of occurrence of an event dictate an injured trust in God and His fate, then I must decry any obtained knowledge and any truth to my faith in Him, because that is not how I ‘expected’ to be. I am sorry to myself. I have forgotten lessons that I had been taught — and so I am sorry.

As for what is available for me now after I have not received what I have desired, my analyses and irksome inquiries have led me to the following:

1. Fatimah, you may proceed in your presumed ‘control’ of events and ask and persuade and argue and fight. Perhaps then, with that form of stupid courage you may be given what you want. 

2. Fatimah, you may take the detour that is meant to be accepted and reflect on how events were never really in your control to begin with, but rather, in that of your Creator, whom is capable of everything and anything. Ask Him, and engage your courage in that manner, without involving other incapable beings. You have been shown a certainty that I am boggled as to why you are not hanging on to. Why are you resorting to the exact uncertainty of the rest of it? 

Human behavior is quite hilarious. It is irrational and proceeds nonchronologically. Awareness of things is a giant blessing, especially since sometimes we can be pretty stupid. 
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/2017/02/11/aware/

Guilt

Disclaimer: I have completed writing this miscellaneous post of thoughts and have now come to warn. Before you read I just want to clarify that this was completely impromptu. And the inadvertent nature of this post has allowed for me to gather my thoughts and properly reflect. If you finish reading this and grow confused, it will most likely be because I wrote this for myself. This was advice for me, I guess and I began writing not knowing of that result. C’est la vie? I apologize if you were looking for something less ‘diary’ reminiscent but posting these things really helps me. Cheers. 
Continue reading “Guilt”