CWM: “Death”

What an ironic title to mark the tail of the series. Hopefully, it won’t be a permanent end. This memory is a little blurry, and it feels difficult to try and remember. It was thought up on February 13, 2016.

“xx is dead”
“i know i was going to tell you”
“I realize I’m not shocked at the death part because people die, the only shock is that this is the first person (after my grandma) that i had known like really known and now they’re gone
so it feels strange, sad and strange”
“you know how when something bad happens to you or when you get a bad grade and you feel bad then look around you and realize that it’s okay because everyone else got a terrible grade or they all have bad things happening to them too?
so it almost feels comforted, this idea that we’re all in this together so it doesn’t feel as crappy or scary anymore, and it happens with little things in our lives since so much is so variable.
and so it’s such a paradox with death, because death is the only real, universal, imminent truth.
we all know that we will ALL die and there’s no way around it — and yet it remains the only thing that’s filled with a fear so inexplicable and very ineffable.
I can’t describe to you the fear that lies behind my death but I know you know it because you realize you will die too.
But in that sense our fears are still different even though they’re the same. And so when this person died I think I am feeling the universal aspect of this truth — that it won’t be much longer until we’re all gone, but it doesn’t matter that it’s going to happen to all of us does it?
that doesn’t make us feel better about leaving this world, this place that we’ve put together some sticks and a roof and made use of it as a home thinking its permanent when our souls really know it’s not.
Death is the only entity that is not consoled
It is not argued with or understood
It is not experienced until experience itself dies
it’s the only thing I can’t talk about because it’s between me and my God.”
“I don’t know that’s how I feel right now, I thought I should share”


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