CWM: “Gratitude, I Think”

This was originally thought up on September 9, 2015. It was first published on December 23, 2015. I can still almost taste this memory. It’s written a little pretentiously though. Sorry, I like pretend like I’m cool in my journal!

“tell me something.”

“i do not recognize the prolonged length of time that i have spent without talking with you. but there are thoughts of gratitude and sorrow swirling around in my brain and i feel that i must express them.”

“please do.”

“yesterday, i told my mom that i didn’t want my uncle to come because i wanted a relaxed weekend. now, very soon you will find why sorrow and possible regret exists within that choice. so, i don’t know what i ate or what happened to my feeble and frail stomach, but i woke up at 4am with nausea and exhaustion and i ended up vomiting. everyone was asleep but my uncle wasn’t. and it was he that came in and asked me if i was okay and said that he’ll clean up the mess and my very inappropriately placed upchuck on the floor which at this point had traversed up into my nose and felt like acid engulfing every inch of my face.

and the first thought that i had, whilst i was in stomach pain and after

it, was that i wasn’t in my dorm room alone where i would feel uncomfortable to ask someone to help or to take care of me. now, you probably can assume where the sorrow and regret lies at this point so i won’t reiterate it but i want to emphasize how fortunate and grateful i felt in those two seconds. and you know, it wasn’t like he carried me into bed or brought me medicine or anything and i don’t think that that was the point. he placed his warm hand on my forehead and cushioned the mixed emotions of regret, happiness and gratitude in my soul. and i don’t think the point was that my uncle did it, it was that i had someone TO do it, you know? just that (frankly exaggerated and partly superfluous) prospect that i was going to be okay because i wasn’t alone.

and here you have probably registered in the emotion of gratitude.

now, i woke up, actually we all did, pretty early this morning — and in my dorm room (the two times i had gotten food poisoning) i would just relax on my bed watching some entertaining video on my laptop not moving or functioning. and that was honestly an aftermath in comfortable repose, i mean, i had continuous AC turned on, a comfortable bed and fast internet. and today i woke up with no AC, a half sweaty bed (from where ismail had been sleeping next to me since he’s been doing that a lot recently) and noise. but i think the idea of solitude has been engraved so deeply in my mind as a terrible feeling that anything in its comparison seems alright. and that, i have deduced, may not be such a great thing, i mean, when i die i will have nothing and no one but i think the point of this for now is gratitude.

yes i think that is what this entire recollection was about.

lots and lots of gratitude.”


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