I don’t really want to say a lot today. I just want this video to speak for itself. If you haven’t already seen this, you really need to. I first found it about three years ago and it was ever since then that these concepts inside of me have found assurance that they weren’t only existent here. Other people thought of these things too.
Ever since I remember making proper friends, so a little after I turned 6, I began experiencing what zefrank calls the sweetness. He profoundly explores and perorates the notion a thousand times more expressively than I ever could — but everything he speaks about in his video resonated pretty sonorously.
The sweetness is a morose quagmire of emotions that inundates the heart after it’s recognized to exist. It is a quisling, a faux ami, a tentative fraud.
I remember being on my way home after a day’s out with one of my friends and glancing through their windows that have been subdued by a setting sun and a distant family submerged in an equanimity I told myself I didn’t know of. I remember my glance turning into a gaze, and I remember feeling a coziness and warmth. And it wasn’t my warmth, it was theirs. But I would smile as I returned to my home that now lacked this sweetness I discovered.
Now, this sweetness, it only existed in the blankets of other families, never my own even when all necessary materials were present. Many times I never wanted it to exist with me, because I always felt like maybe I’d ruin it, or I wouldn’t feel it as profusely. It was chicanery! I couldn’t feel it unless I didn’t have it — call that a paradox, but I call it a bunch of crap.
By the end of the video, zefrank talks about how this stupid feeling prevented him from moments of real connection. Like when the sweetness was at his doorstep he couldn’t pick it up, he could only watch it from a distance. I felt that. And I felt that a lot. It’s a liar that warmth we felt with other families and in other homes. There was never any warmth for us to feel — our minds just had nothing else to think of.
It’s funny, I say this now when just last night my body engrossed itself in the comfort of other apartments as I glanced into their dimmed lighting and fluffy curtains. I listened to the kids playing at 11pm and felt the same objectified safety I felt as a kid. I didn’t want to be a part of the fun because my fun was watching it in action. It’s like watching a movie. You know this isn’t the real world, but just for a few hours you wish to continue someone else’s story. Maybe you’ll learn something, maybe you’ll change, maybe you’ll be grateful. Blah, blah, blah.
The last line of the video is “I want to be here”. Isn’t that funny? People struggle with their own moments of the past or with their distractions of a future, but we left ourselves sitting on a chair and went to live other people’s lives. Only we weren’t living it, we just enjoy watching.
I want to be here. I want to live my own sweetness.
endnote: this feature photo is my own photography