Tea: A Futile Review 

I think with the expansion of my collection, it might be a little wrong not to share my pretentious love for tea. This will be a review that describes flavor through sarcastic assimilation. If you’re not sure what I mean, fret not because you’ll get it pretty soon.

Oh, by the way all these opinions are of unsweetened herbs. Sugar distorts flavors too much for me. Also I don’t know of that many teas, I just like to pretend I do. Okay, let’s commence:

Black Tea: this ubiquitous herb tastes as if I swallowed a handful of unflavored seeds until my tongue went a little dry. On days when headaches and sonorous noises are prevalent, this is a perfect option. 

Black Tea with Strawberry: as a warm drink this is honestly disgusting. But it’s fantastic as an iced tea. The superfluous amount of sugar makes a lot of sense with ice.

Green Tea: seaweed. This tastes like seaweed. And I love it. On an empty stomach, this makes me feel like I’m aware of my fitness and that I work out and things. Basically it fills me with lies.

Green Tea with Mint: what I drink in the morning and at lunch and in the evening and at night and forever basically this is the best. The seaweed-ness is overshadowed by the potency of the mint and a healthy kind of feel cloaks the stomach. It’s light with distinct flavor.  

Green Tea with Forest Fruits: again this is disgusting. It tastes like shampoo, as my five year old brother articulated quiet faithfully. I haven’t tried this as iced tea yet but I can imagine it would feel a little less artificial on the tongue. 

Green Tea with Jasmine: floral seaweed. This calms me down like no other drink. It is in fact in need of some sweetening but I still drink it pure as a placebo that helps me believe I’m healthy. 

Green Tea with Lemon and Honey: basically my life. This incredibly luxurious tea feels best when I drink it excessively until I burp its flavor. My burping feels clean. Yes, I just used burping and clean in the same sentence. When you try it you’ll stop judging my burps of fantastic aroma!

Apple Tea: basically candy, only drinkable when in social situations of peer pressure. 

Orange Tea: again basically candy, only drinkable when in social situations of peer pressure. 

Lemon Tea: may be drinkable outside of social pressure but probably not because it still tastes like candy. [I’m an adult! I drink real tea okay! My apologies to the fruit teas of the world, you’re real I promise, don’t be hurt.]

And there you have it. My very unsolicited but very much required and slightly puerile review on some herbs with warm water poured over them.

You’re welcome.
endnote: this feature photo is my own photography. Also no teas with fruits were harmed in the making of this post.


2 thoughts on “Tea: A Futile Review 

    1. I’m so fortunate to have readers that laugh at my lame jokes! He really did say it was shampoo when I made him sniff it though, haha it was adorable. Thanks so much for your comment, Sofie! So much appreciation for you.


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